Friday, August 31, 2007

The Hypocrisy Continues

Let's See...

Traditional Family Values Case # 1 - In September of last year, Florida Republican Senator Mark Foley immediately resigned his position as the public was made aware of a sexually explicit instant messaging conversation between the Senator and an underage male Congressional page. Ironically, much of Mark Foley's political career had been built on fighting child pornography and the sexual exploitation of minors. Conservatives joined Democrats in a call for further investigation, and possible criminal charges against the Gay chicken hawk former Senator.

Traditional Family Values Case # 2 - In November of 2006, Mike Jones went public with the news that vehemently anti-gay born-again evangelist preacher Ted Haggard had paid him for dirty meth sex, on a near monthly basis for 3 years. Ironically, much of Ted Haggard's career had been built on waging a "culture war" against Gay people. Ted Haggard was quickly removed from his position, and shunned by his long-time conservative supporters. Ted is now completely heterosexual, but having been previously Gay....his career is now over.

Traditional Family Values Case # 3 - This past July, Senator David Vitter's name was released as a client of a Washington D.C. house of prostitution. The Louisiana Senator admitted to having broken the law and paying for extra-marital sex in the past, and let the world know that God, and his wife have both forgiven him. Ironically, much of David Vitter's political career was built on his traditional family values fight to stop Gay people from having equal marriage rights. Senator David Vitter was NOT removed from office, or even shunned by his Republican base. In fact, good ole' hooker-hiring Louisiana boy David Vitter received a loud round of applause at a recent Senate Republican luncheon.

Traditional Family Values Case # 4 - Senator Larry Craig's name has been all over every television, radio and internet outlet ( including the well-received Lair of the Okapi ) as dirty Republican Senator of the week. As we all know by now, tap-dancing Larry Craig pleaded guilty a few months ago, after an arrest for soliciting sex from another man in a public restroom. Ironically, Senator Craig's political "stances" have always been particularly anti-gay. Most certainly, Senator Craig is going to be forced out of office, if he hasn't been yet ( I'm still waiting to hear the breaking news ). Fellow Republicans are calling for the most severe consequences possible for the tearoom troll.

Is it me? Or is there something even more wrong here? Mark Foley, gay, removed, ruined. Ted Haggard, gay, removed, ruined. Larry Craig, gay, removed, ruined. David Vitter, straight, applauded, possibly re-elected.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Traditional Family Values - Part Two

Ok....I think at this point, that I should run a weekly "Traditional Family Values" update where I collect and post all of the week's goriest Conservative sex scandals. Following right on the heels of Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, David Vitter, Bob Allen - we now have the Senator Larry Craig public restroom debacle.

A little background on Senator Craig. Before tearoom-gate, good old Larry Craig was well respected amongst his fellow hateful, mean-spirited, self-loathing conservative brethren. The American Conservative Union, a powerful lobbying group, awarded the ill-ustrious Republican leader with a score of 96 out of 100 for supporting the Federal Marriage Amendment (which would ban states from allowing gay people to marry), as well as his vote to NOT extend the federal hate crimes legislation to include hate crimes against gay folks. Certainly, he also got a few points for his statements shortly after Hurricane Katrina, comparing the birthplace of Jazz to the quagmire in Iraq and suggesting that New Orleans should be abandoned because "Fraud is in the culture of Iraqis. I believe that is true in the state of Louisiana as well."

In between all of his "social work" and voting to stop the gays from marrying, Senator Craig also found time to rehearse with other right-wingnuts - Trent Lott, John Ashcroft and James Jeffords - The Singing Senators! It seems that back in 1995, the Singing Senators barbershop quartet was formed as a back-up plan, should the Republican Revolution backfire. Apparently, not a bad idea. The Singing Senators actually performed with the Oak Ridge Boys and released a CD.

Now, we find out that Senator Larry Craig was arrested in June, and pleaded guilty to suspicion of lewd conduct. Though he did actually plead guilty, Senator Craig now claims to have no idea how his toe-tapping, foot touching, finger indicating, door-crack peering bathroom stall antics could have been construed as anything but normal public heterosexual behavior.

You can read the police officer's report here

At what point will Americans get sick of the hypocrisy. What will it take?

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Hot Off The Press!

Today's headlines...

Karl Rove has quit his position as the white-est man at the White House to pursue a career in mainstream hip-hop.

Hillary Clinton admits to her work in the 1970s as the voice of Wonder Woman.

Scott-O-Rama returns to save the Constitution.

And Stimpy turns 38!

Sunday, August 12, 2007

You Know How I Feel About Texas....

Louise: I don't want to go that way. Find a way that we don't have to go through Texas.

Thelma: Wait. What? You want to go to Mexico from Oklahoma and you don't want to go through Texas?

Louise: You know how I feel about Texas...we're not going that way!

The marketing team of the High Point Church in Arlington, Texas is really top-notch. According to the church's website, High Point started just a few years ago as a congregation of just 16 poor souls in someone's living room. But, under the guidance of Pastor Gary Simons, the High Point marketing division was able to build their flock to 5,000 loyal spiritual consumers, who now worship every $unday in a 432,000 square foot House of the Lord, that sits on 100 of the holiest acres in Texas. With slogans like "Miracles Still Happen...I'm Living Proof," the High Point public relations gurus were able to move beyond the fact that Pastor Gary has the most extreme case of "gay face" since Paul Lynde, and really take their humble little church into the realm of "any franchise for Jesus is possible."

Well, the miracles are still happening at High Point...thanks to a miracle-working marketing team that really knows its customer base. This past week, High Point Church cancelled a planned memorial service for Cecil Sinclair, who was the brother of a church janitor, because Cecil was an unrepentant homo-sex-you-all, who was survived by his life partner. Cecil was also a son, a brother, a member of the Turtle Creek Chorale and a Navy veteran of Desert Storm, where he helped rescuers to find downed pilots.

The High Point marketing group, and Pastor Simons, know that Jesus, and his most beloved followers, hate the homosexuals, and to have offered the dignity of a memorial service in their Mega-Church to a loathed homosexual would most certainly have tarnished the brand's image amongst the good spiritual consumers of Texas.

Simons said the church believes homosexuality is a sin, and it would have appeared to endorse that lifestyle if the service had been held there.

“We did decline to host the service — not based on hatred, not based on discrimination, but based on principle,” Simons told The Associated Press. “Had we known it on the day they first spoke about it — yes, we would have declined then. It’s not that we didn’t love the family.”

And, just so there's no confusion....divorcees, adulterers, child abusers, liars, thieves, Bush-administration officials, cat burglars, malicious gossipers, shell-fish consumers, Aqua-Net users, warmongers, gun-toters, bullies, gamblers, cheats and coveters are welcome every $unday at High Point.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

UFOs Are Real!

Paul Moller, an engineer, inventor and apparent devotee of Nu-Renaissance Fair, Dr. Who-esque Moog analogue synthesizer music has finally been able to bring us the M200G Flying Saucer Hovercraft. It hovers about 10 feet off the ground, and can travel up to 50 miles per hour. The price tag: around $100,000.

My birthday is coming!