Saturday, January 29, 2005

Music To Live By

It's come to my attention as of late, that I have an apparently annoying habit of making repeated claims that "no really, this is like my favorite song ever..." So, as difficult as it is...I'm making an official top ten songs of my life. Songs have been chosen according to cosmic brilliance, relevance to my life and/or ability to assemble neurons in my hypothalamus into MDMA fractal-like formations. If I ever have that movie made, the soundtrack would look exactly as follows.

1. Papua New Guinea - The Future Sound Of London. Picture it. Woodside, California. 1992. A log cabin, a redwood forest, a sauna full of ravers, glitter falling from the full moon and this...the most beautiful song ever made.

2. Stella - Jam & Spoon. Again, it was 1992. I had no idea where I was going in life and I didn't care. This masterpiece sounds like the sun coming up over the Nevada desert opening the day to a million possibilities. Just hold me. Love me. Hold me. Love me.

3. Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division. The ethereal brilliance of this song can never be matched. It still sends chills up my arm.

4. Move Your Body - Xpansions. The theme song to the night that changed my life. The genius that was created by a 303.

5. There Is A Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths. A few months ago, I had the honor of hearing this one live as Morrissey's encore. I was like a 14 year old girl at a Beatles concert. The most inspired lyric ever...hands down..."and in a darkened underpass, I thought oh god my chance has come at last. And then a strange fear gripped me and I just couldn't ask."

6. It's Alright - Pet Shop Boys. The summer of '89 was so much fun. This song makes me so happy that I nearly cry everytime I hear it.

7. Perfect Kiss - New Order. An electronic orchestra handed straight down from the heavens.

8. Psychotropic - Hypnosis. Full-frontal blissout. Man those escalators were fun...but who were those fuzzy people?

9. Running Up That Hill - Kate Bush. It conjures romantic feelings of heather uplands and druidic landscapes. What a wonderful voice.

10.Voodoo Ray - A Guy Called Gerald. Vocal samples from an entheogenic phantom calling from a far away nebula. This track is an absolute landmark.

So there. I did it. It's possibly out of my system now.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Blessed With $46,000 After Using Prayer Rug!

So after a long day of self-evaluation at my new job in the unreal estate industry and visualizations of myself as Annette Benning's character in American Beauty, I come home to a mailbox stuffed full of bills and an envelope festively decorated with bible quotes and testimonials from Jesus' satisfied customers. Normally I would just toss it into the trash without even opening it, but I've been doing the personal trainer thing three times a week and my behavior has been, uh, er, unpredictable. And, so, enticed by the brilliant marketing of "These next 24 important hours are crucial to you. Timing is important to God." I took a deep breath and dove in. Having not been raised as the church-going type (thank god), and therefore not regularly exposed to crucifiction art, I nearly screamed when I pulled out a paper church prayer rug with a picture of Jesus complete with a crown of thorns, closed eyes and a small tear running down his nose. At the bottom of the paper prayer rug are instructions..."Look into Jesus' Eyes you will see they are closed. But as you continue to look you will see His eyes opening and looking back into your eyes. Then go and be alone and kneel on this Rug of Faith or touch it to both knees. The please check your needs on our letter to you. Please return this Prayer Rug. Do not keep it." At this point I am mystified...and wondering how did they draw this portrait in such a way that Jesus' eyes do actually open if you stare at it long enough? I'm also wondering what the Jesus capitalization protocol is since Eyes is capitalized after the name Jesus, but not capitalized after His. Hmm. Then I mosey over to the section where I am supposed to checkmark my prayer needs...and the choices abound...

( ) My soul.
( ) My Health.
( ) A Family Member's Health.
( ) To Stop A Bad Habit
( ) A Home To Call My Own.
( ) A New Car.
( ) A Money Blessing.
( ) Pray For God to bless me with this amount of money: $______
( ) Enclosed is my see gift to God's work of $_______

Does anyone else feel uncomfortable here? Then I move on to the testimonials from the clients of Saint Matthew's Church. C.D. from Pennsylvania writes "Dear St. Matthew's: God blessed me with over $5,000!" Mrs. T.F. from Texas writes "Our Lord...has blessed us with a big 6 room house!" E.C.S. from North Carolina thanked St. Matthew's because he/she "received $10,000 in a financial blessing!"

Religion is creepy. I wish I lived in a Blue State...with palm trees.